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Jan. 19th, 2010

~my mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize, tell me why we live like this~ <3

I know it's been a while but I was advised to give myself some time to think things through.

I haven't been myself lately, to say the least.
I've done things I regret, and I haven't been there for those who need me.

I want to start off by apologizing for being so quiet lately. I'm having some trouble, and I thought I could go it alone. I've been feeling like this for a long time, and I haven't been able to talk about it, mostly because I thought that it would go away, and because I didn't want to worry anyone, burden anyone. But that's not the way to think. Everyone needs help. Although you only NEED yourself, you can ask for help sometimes. People think it's selfish to put yourself first, to think you don't need anyone but you, but as long as you realize you can ask for help, and as long as you love others and care about others, it's alright to put yourself first. But when it comes to help, I've always been so afraid to ask. But friends are friends because they care! That is the whole point of having a friend, so you can go to them when things get tough, when you need a shoulder to cry on. You can't worry about worrying them, because if they really care about you, they're going to worry more if you don't talk, and you hide away. But also, if you're not ready to talk, they should understand that. But I think I'm ready.
It seems like I've been this way forever, and that sucks to think. I'm wasting my time thinking about the BAD. It seems like it's the only thing, but it's not even close. I'm letting it take over my thoughts, I'm not being optimistic. I'm trying to live with a new perspective on life. I'm going to know that there is bad and there is good, but you have to remember the good above all. The bad, you learn from and then move on. I have to be optimistic about the future, I am going to succeed in something, because I'm smart, and a good person. It's going to be okay, I have an amazing group of friends who love and care about me, and I have UVR which makes me happier than I've been in a long time.

They are not everything.
Sure, they're cute, and funny and you can't help but smile about that one guy, but you can't stress over them and let them become everything. Sure, I like him a lot, maybe more than I should, but I'm not going to obsess over every second I spend with him. I'm not going to let him hurt me. Either we hang out more, and he starts liking me, or we just stay friends. I still get to spend time with him, he's an amazing person and he's been a lot of help. I'm not going to lie, he's absolutely beautiful and amazing and it would be so easy to get over my head and let him mess with me, but I'm not going to let myself. I have other things in my life. I have friends and school and music.

So, on a final note, I just need to organize my thoughts so bare with me :P

20th: jake's after school, choir, STUDY MATH
21st: vocal exam solo, drama exam, guitar, STUDY MATH
28th: VOCAL EXAM, steph and kristen stay over
29th: biggest UVR practice of life, hopefully all 4 of us, go to stephs


lots of love,
~maddy~ xoxo <3

I'm just figuring things out. :) <3

Nov. 3rd, 2009

Popo <3

You know when you first meet someone, and you may not know them at all, but even after such a short time, you just know that you'll be best friends forever? It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's special. When I met Pauline, she was shy but she was cool, and then I got to know her more and I can honestly say that we became best friends. She was hilarious and I could talk to her easily (well, not literally as sometimes I had to speak slowly or use an internet translator), and it was great to be with her. One of those friendships you could just sink into, you barely had to work at it. It was easy but it was real. But she's from France and was on an exchange with Steph and after only 3 months she left for home today. I went to the airport with her today and I cried saying goodbye. I'm not good at goodbyes. Crying was kinda embarrassing as her friends who also went on the exchange Pierre and Pierre-Louise were both there and I was crying. They were both really nice though, especially Pierre-Louise and let me tell you, French boys are sexxxyyyyy. Pauline had a picture of her and Pierre in Rome in her room at stephs and she gave it to me, so when I miss her I can look at it and see her smiling, and remember that she loves me too. And I can also see a hot guy LOL. But, basically, I'm gonna miss her for a long time. And remember her forever. I wish I could go visit her, but it isn't cheap. But I'm still gonna try. Maybe march break. :) Gotta hope. So basically I'll cry myself to sleep, holding her picture for a bit. Then constantly talk to her on msn, fb, hopefully web cam with her. And she's gonna send me a video of her playing my favourite song on piano. Ands she's gonna send me the music so I can learn it and send her a vid of me. Anyways.
I'm gonna go.

lots of love,
m@ddy xoxo <3

p.s. tu me manques popo. Je t'aime :) <3

Oct. 20th, 2009

(no subject)

Verse 1:

Please don’t go

I need you more than ever now

These scars are being opened now

I’m bleeding from the seams

And I need you to know how special you are to me

To everybody

And you can’t leave me like this

In love with you

But unable to do

Anything for you when I need to

When you need me most

But maybe it’s too late for me

Maybe you’re already gone

Maybe we were meant to be

Yet you’re the one I couldn’t have




And don’t make me miss you



Tonight, tomorrow, ever


Missing you means you’re gone







And if you’re gone so am I




In every sense of the word










Verse 2:



 These years are to live through


 To learn from


 Not to die during







And I know it’s hard




Almost impossible, almost




And that’s the key word


When it comes to life or death

When it comes to you











 Each day goes by



 And my hopes are high


 I’ll fight the urge to cry







But please don’t ask why




Don’t go telling me goodbye




So please don’t go


I’m trying to let you know

And I’m letting my feelings show

To tell you that I love you

And that’s all you have to know.











 So here it is



 In black and white


 Unlike life







I love you every day and night




Forever, no matter what you think




So please don’t go


Don’t leave me

ya so. i finished it a while back, only just putting it up. yes i realize i posted like, 10 mins ago, not even. whatever, if I didn't do this now I'd forget. ya i know, the formatting is all messed, i tried to fix it then it went back to this soooo ya.


just tired. :(

 I am so tired.
Of everything.
Tired physically, I really should go see a doctor (maybe even a psychiatrist or a shrink?) about my sleeping, or lack of.
Tired of school, tired of grades and trying to be better than I am, tired of teachers who's voices lull me to sleep. Tired of trying to prove myself and no one noticing. Tired of wanting to be good at something and failing, because I'm just not good at anything. Tired of waking up and just being miserable because there's nothing to look forward to, no reason to really wake up. I'm even tired of my friends, and trying to be happy and normal. I just want to be alone and blast music until I can't hear myself think, and read so I can be lost in some world that is better than the real one. I'm tired of trying to write and express myself and never getting through to anyone. I'm tired of trying to look good, it's such a hassle and it's not worth it. I'm tired of boys and trying to figure them out. Tired of liking someone and getting hurt. So I've basically given up on that. I'm tired of my parents and their constant need to make me a better person, when I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of wishing things were different, because they're not, and they're not going to be. I can't change the way things are. Sure, maybe I could be a bit happier and that will make things better, but really, I just don't care. I've given up on caring because there is nothing to care about. I'm even tired of doing little things, like brushing my hair, making my lunch or breakfast, checking facebook etc. I just want to sleep and dream good dreams and never wake up. I'd take some of Friar Lawrence's potions (romeo and juliet) any day. I feel like I could talk to someone for hours about everything, but yet, there's nothing to talk about. And I haven't actually had any interest in guys at all lately, I just fool myself with saying I have little crushes and such, but it would still be nice to be held. I'm just so tired guys.
I am so tired.

Mar. 4th, 2009

I am...CANADIAN!!!! and irish????? hmmmmm

maybe this is not an appropriate time to play something like this, but im killing time waiting for you...

I am:
[x] You drink a lot of tea.
[] You know what a brolly is.
[] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[x] You use the word "bugger"or the phrase "bloody hell."
[x] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[ ] You can eat a Full English Breakfast.
[] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[] Its football.. Not soccer.
Total: 3

[] You wear flip flops all year.
[] You call flipflops thongs not flip flops.
[] You love a backyard barbie.
[] You know a barbie is not a doll.
[x] You love the beach.
[x] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[] You're a sports fanatic.
[] You are tanned.
[] You're a bit of a bogan.
[x] You have an australian something I HAVE AN AUSTRALIAN BEST FIREND!!!!
Total: 3

[] The Sopranos is a great show.
[ ] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[x] Your grandmother or mother makes her own sauces.
[x] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[] You know Italian songs.
[] You have darkish hair.
[ ] You speak SOME italian.
[x] You are under 5'10''.
[x] Pizza / Spaghetti is the best food in the world.
[x] You talk with your hands.
Total: 5

[ ] You say member instead of remember.
[] You speak spanish or some.
[x] You like tacos.
[] You know what a Puta is.
[] You talk fast.
[x] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[] You know what platanos are.
[] You've said Te Amo or Te Quiero.
Total: 2

[] You say villain as: Vee-lon.
[x] You have more than one vodka bottle in your house.
[] You know the difference between channel 1 and rtvi.
[x] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[] You dont get cold easily.
[] You get into contests all the time.
[] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
[] You love listening to trance.
Total: 2

[x] Your parents let you drink. (i dont though)
[] You know what a pizda is.
[] You have Pierogi at least once a week.
[] People always ask to see your "kielbasa" checking if your Polish.
[x] People randomly call you their best friend.
[] You have made/know what pisanki are.
[] You laughed when Poland beat the USA in the 2002 world cup.
Total: 2

[] You think beer is the best.
[x] You have a bad temper.
[] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a y, on, un, an,en, in, ry, ly, y.
[x] You have blue or green eyes.
[]x You like the color green.
[] You have been to a St. Pattys day party.
[] You have a family member from Ireland.
[x] You have/had freckles.
[x (well not me) ] Your family get togethers always include drinking.
[x] You have an odd love of leprechauns.
[x] You have four leaf clovers.
Total: 7

African American
[] You say nigga/nukka casually.
[] You have/had nappy hair.
[] You like rap music.
[x] You like chicken.
[] You like watermelon.
[] You can ‘sing’ gospel.
[] You smoke(d) newports.
[] You know what a Booty Call is.
[] Your sick at basketball.
Total: 1

[] You have slanty/small eyes.
[x] You like rice a lot.
[] You are good at math.
[x] You have/do played the piano.
[] You have family from Asia.
[] You laugh sometimes covering
[x] You have glasses/contacts.
[] You call hurricanes typhoons.
[] You go to Baulko.
[] You play Handball more than once a week.
[x] You know what DDR is.
Total: 4

[x] You know who Anne Frank is
[] Amstel
[] You drink beer.
[] You have been to the Red Light District
[x] And you know what the Red Light District is.
[x] The word "Nazi" and "Hitler" piss you off.
[] You own(ed) or have riden a white bike, and then lost it.
[] You will run over a walker, if your on a bike.
[] You've tried to bargain, and we ended up payed more.
Total: 3

[x] You like bread.
[xsure?] You think American Chocolate is good.
[] You Speak some German.
[x] You know what Schnitzel is.
[] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi.
[x] You went to Pre-school.
[] You're over 5'10".
[] You know the real meaning of "Fag".
[] You make pretty words sound scary.
[] You enjoy watching the military.
[] You know that GUMMY BEARS were invented in Germany.
Total: 3

[x] You like to ride 4 wheelers.
[] You love beer.
[x] You say "eh".
[x] You know what poutine is.
[x] You speak some french.
[x] You love Tim Horton's.
[] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[] You watch/watched degrassi.
[x] You play/ played hockey or watch it.
[x] You've NEVER been ass whooped by your parents.
[] You know who Massari is.
Total: 7

[x] You like french toast.
[] You love wine.
[x] You speak a little or are fluent in french.
[] You have eaten a snail.
[x] You like fashion.
[] You have been to France.
[] You are either a Catholic, a Muslim, a Protestant or a Jew.
[] You say "Zut" instead of damn.
[] You own a barret.
[x] You actually know what a barret is.
Total: 4

[] You hate foreigners.
[] You hate non - Christians.
[] You've been to more then 5 states.
[x] You're lazy.
[] You are not cultured.
[] You hate abortions.
[] But love the death penalty.
[] You don't read.
[x] You shopped at WalMart.
[] You say restroom instead of washroom.
[] You spell colour "color".
Total: 2

[x can be] You're very loud.
[] Your family alone makes a small city.
[] You blast music Saturday morning to clean the house.
[] You share a bathroom with 5 people.
[] You say "open the light" instead of "turn on the light".
[] Your parents came into this country illegally.
[] Your parents still don't have their Green Card after 15 years in the U.S./Canada
[] You have to go to church every Sunday.
[] You always have a "to go plate" when leaving from a party.
[x] You have a last name thats hard to pronounce.
Total: 2

Brown (Indian, Guyanese, etc.)
[] You know who Shahrukh Khan and Hrithik Roshan are.
[x] You get crazy over Hollywood actors and actresses.
[] You know what the movie Dhoom 2 is.
[x] You can eat really good spicy food.
[] You have lots and LOTS of spices at your home.
[] You came or live in Toronto and have been to Gerrard St.
[] You have any sort of ATN channel.
[] You know what koothi, kootha, or banchod is.
[x] You love eating Tandoori Chicken.
[x] You have relatives you've never even heard of.
Total: 3

[] You are smart in math or science.
[] Your mom or dad are either doctors or enginners.
[] All you eat is kabab and kofta.
[] Your parents have one car that's a toyota.
[] Your house actually does not smell like food.
[] You have like 67890 middle names.
Total: 0
[] You have been to a pow wow.
[] You have a native name.
[] You are more than a quarter native.
[] You know what tribe you are in.
[ ] You have painted your face like a warrior.
[] You have been to a native exhibit out of school.
[] You play(ed) lacrosse.
[x] You have eaten salmon.
Total: 1

[] You can tell the difference between a Scottish & Irish accent.
[] One of your family members has an accent.
[x] You actually don't mind bagpipes.
[] Scottish recipes are in your household somewhere.
[x] You've heard the song "scotland the brave" WAY too many times.
[x] No matter what, there will ALWAYS be whiskey at family gatherings.
[] Any team playing England is your best friend.
[] You have tried haggis.
[x] Sean Connery.
[] You drink tap water.
[x] You know Edinburgh is pronounce "Edin-buura".
[] You've worn a kilt.


I'd like to issue a sincere apology. I over reacted, I was being an obnoxious brat. And when I said F u i really meant I love you. I'm not sorry for wanting what I want, I will always want that, even when my first kiss has passed without you there. But I didn't mean that you have to give me what I want. You should give me what I deserve, and I definitely don't deserve that anymore. My heart did break, seeing that, but it was my own fault. Maybe it was because of you, but if I had not avoided realizing what this all means it wouldn't have all crashed down on me at once. I still need you to pick up the pieces, but I'm scared you won't want to anymore. Please forgive me. There are lyrics describing this a bit:

Please forgive me, if I act a little strange. For I know not what I do. Feels like lightning running through my veins, every time I look at you.

Maybe not lightning anymore, just a shock, a shiver but I am sorry. You didn't deserve my nasty behaviour and you never will. You deserve to be happy, and that's what I want you to be. If what I saw in that picture makes you happy, and I think it does, then keep on doing it. But hopefully you will forgive me one more time, and hopefully we can hang out soon. I want you to know that I know what we are. We are friends. That's all we are, all we will ever be. I know this although I don't do a good job of showing it sometimes. Please forgive me, please know I'm sorry, please see me soon. Please love me. I know you did, but what about now? And this is not the only place I will tell you I'm sorry. I will say sorry every possible time I can. You have to know that I'm sorry because if you don't know, or you don't forgive me, I'll have lost the pieces of my heart I need you to find. Maybe this seems a little dramatic, but I really feel broken. I'm sorry and I love you.

Feb. 18th, 2009

oh my god the third one!!!

 okay, i swear, im not gonna just leave like before!!! okay, let's satrt off where we finished...

The bad thing about these pretend soulmates is sometimes you can't get over them, even if you do find a true soulmate and are happy with them, this one person will always have a place in you, or maybe there's always a hole in you where that person used to be. I think my pretend soulmae is (not to be disclosed), but I'm too young to be sure. I could find someone else. It's kinda hard to imagine though, finidng someone that I love more than I loved him and still have a true soulmate after that. Hard to imagine partly because how can anyone be so lucky to find 3 people that they love as much and more than i loved him. Partly because I don't know if I could stand bein hurt like that again, maybe even hurt more.

ummmm what number am i at? 7?: I'm actually talking to Max. Maxx Niit. Maximilian Niit. 12th grader, unimaginably hot and nice and TWIHARD MAX!!!! We've talked the past 2 nights and he offered to listen if I need someone to talk to! But i'm too nervous to talk to him. Something needs to happen that makes me upset so I can go up to him all sad and ask if we can talk. But what could be the thing im sad about? Brian? School? Friends? Mom? or maybe pizza stuff again. BUt nothing actually has been happening lately that i can tell him about. Maybe I'll just say I need to get it all of my chest. That I've tryed writing it down, singing it, everything but it's not working and that im sorry to bother him but there's no one else. I highly doubt I'll actually ever do this. I'm too chicken, I couldn't even say hi when i passed him in the halls yesterday. He didn't see me at least. I wonder if he would say hi if he saw me. I'm not sure, I don't know hi wel enough to guess what he would do.

8?: Haha. I'm wearing my tramp outfir today :P. okay, it's not that bad, the skirts a little short and im wearing knee socks but the rest is fine. My mom hates it, my friends are surprised but I gotta be alittle gutsy sometimes! and it's not like im gonna wear this kinda thing every day, just once in a blue moon. I call it my "you don't like me? blow me" outfit. I got that from Roo :P I told my friends thats what i call it and there mouths dropped open and they told me to neever say it again. lol it's just a joke. w/e, i look kinda wierd but i like it :) I hope I see max today, of I do I swear i'll say hi orsomething (HAHA) Maybe i'll even start talking to him. Maybe. A very big maybe...I want to but I'm such a wimp it's crazy. I'm going to try really hard though, this is important.

Okay, im so tired and i gota go blow dry my hair. I'm almost done. only 2 more entries. although there may be 3 tomorrow depending on what we're doing in science... but hope u enjoy looking into my personal (used to be personal) diary type thing!! <3m@ddy<3

im baaack!

okay, well, i thought it was later than it was and that i wouldnt have time to go back on. but i was way off and i have like an hour to continue. so let's begin where we ended off, shall we?

Then why do people hate gay people, how is bing gay wrong? Not everything in the Bible is true I think. How can people believe in His walking on water, or the resurrection or the virgin birth? and im not dicrediting religion it's just that, reall, i dont understand how people believe that. I guess they have faith in it even without proof. I think all that stuff was added to the Bible, not by God. Gods message was fairness and equality and love and peace yet people actually believe all the stuff in the Bible that may contradict that message. The things that create hate and war and not love and peace. The things that make people hurt others. Why is that right? How is that right? I told Brian all this, venting to him and you know what he said? He said "don't tell me this Maddy, tell other people.  know this." He is an amzing person and I love him so much. I hate to see him getting hurt. Getting hurt by thepeople who don't understand. Who can't get it through their thick heads that homosexuals are people too. Just like they are.

2: Well, i have now crossed over to the violent side :P oh. my. god.   Jake just had the nerve to laugh because Yuri isn't here and he thinks it's because he and Matt and Lukas were making fun of him. I hope that's not true. It's possible I guess but it doesnt sound like Yuri would do that. I hate Jake and Matt, I mean, what is wrong with them?

3: He likes my glasses :) He said he did. I got my new ones yesterday and he actually noticed them! Maybe it's because he looks at my eyes a lot. I hope he does. I hope he looks at me no matter where :P. It seems like he does because some of my friends say that he is always staring at me, maybe he is. Maybe he likes me. od, I wish he did. And if he does I wish he would tell me. If he likes me he should tell me and we can go out and I can be happy and he can hold me and we can talk for hours and we can tell each other everything. I wonder if he's into that. He seems like a good boyfriend and it seems like he would just like to sit together, me in his arms and talk for hours. Well, maybe not hours but a while. I would kiss him, for sure. I hate how people go out and all they do is maybe hug and barely hold hands and it's all awkward. If I had a bf I would right away hold his hand, let him put his arm around me, hug me. (okay, here is the part where I describe my first kiss. I'm sorry, but I'm editing it out, it's kinda stupid,a nd has changed a little since then. and it's kinda private).........

4: wow. FTW??? i'm so cool. and wierd. I don't know why i wrote that down. w/e. Well, we just got back from break. I hate school. YES!!! Only 12 minutes until lunch. Should I hug him??? I don't know. On Friday before break when we were all crying and saying oodbye to Emily he was leaving and offered a huh and I was SO STUPID and I didn't take it. (editing this part out too, very stupid, something about a plan to get a hug from Julien :P)

5. I'm actually in Geo right now, but I have my french stuff so I thouht I would write. I'm really bored. We are listening to presentations right now and theyre not that interesting. w/e. I miss Brian. A lot. I'm kinda mad though. He never misses me, or at least he never tells me if he does. Usually if I get mad at him I go back and say it was my fault but this time I won't. I can't help but feeling insecure about it. I'm worried he'll forget me. He's almost 17, he's in grade11. Once he graduates from high school will he still talk to me? Or will he move on and forget about kids like me. Maybe he won't, but you never know.

6. lol. Julien, ya, I'm over him. It was easier than i thought too. I liked him a lot and it hurt when he didn't like me, but it's okay. I realized i needed to tell him so I could get over him. and I've moved on :P. To Max *sigh*. he's in grade 12 and I'm a total idiot for liking im but I can't help it. He's ust so gorgeous, and he loves music and he plays guitar and his hair! WOWZA. he seems like a pretty cool guy, even though we haven'tt alked much. We talked all friday and saturday night till one a.m. I'm tred but it was worth it. But I haven't seen him since friday and it's sad. lol im a loser. I want to see him though. I promised myself that I would say hi if I passed him in the hall. I really hope I don't chicken out because I would really like to do this. I think I'm going to now but once i'm actually passing him I could think differently, i could totally freak and not do anything (HAHAHAHA THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!!! it's been like amonth and i still havent said hi :P). I hope i don't because if I said hi and he said hi back I would be the happiest person alive. OH I have a new theory. I think there are 4 types of people when it comes to love/relationships/crushes. First there are trial and error soulmates, like when people get married but then divorce. You think you love each other but it doesn't work out. Then there are just crushes and boyfriends, you lke them a lot at the time but when you grow up you may remember them but there's nothing there anymore. Then there are true soulmates who you find when yu're older, or even young i guess, but you get married and you stay together, usually happily, for the rest of oyur life.But the there are pretend soulmates. You usually find them when you're younger bu some older people find them. It's the person that you think you love and the person you're totally crazy for and you seem so perfect for each other, you can see yourself so easily wiht that person for the rest of your life but for some reason, it doesn't work. They may not like you back, it could be distance or family or even sexual orinetation. (HA) the bad thing with these pretend soulmates is sometimes you can't get over them, even if you 
UHHHGGGHHH i gotta go again, my brat sister wants the computer. ill be back though... cya 

it's been so longgg

 well hi. i know i know, it's been forever and im sorry. i guess i got caught up with exams and then forgot about this. but im here now, doesnt that count for a bit? i hope it does... but i guess ill continue with my french and now sscience diaries! ummm okay...

1: I'm going insane. I can't even think properly.

2: You know what makes me so mad? when people make fun of other people. Jerks like Jake and Matt acuse people of "sucking d***". What's wrong with that? Isn't that what people do? i know this sounds funny or ridiculous but srsly!!! Why is it so wrong to be accused of something like being gay? Why do people use this accusation to hurt people? and why does it actually hurt people? Maybe it urts people becuz they are gay, i understand that, but it shouldn't be used to make fun of people. Because some peole are gay, and there's nothing wrong with that. They are people too. People who deserve lives, happy lives, free of dscrimination. You know what I also hate? People always say that the Holocaust never should have happened, and it was a wrong and horrfying display of power and just because tjey were Jewish doesn't give poeple the right to do that to them. Same goes for the tratment of Black people. That was wrong too. But these people who say this just turn around ad use homophobic slurs like fag or whatever. So we can't discriminate against black people or jewish people because that's wrong, but we ccan bully, beat and even kill gay people. People often use the fact that the bible says homosexuality is wrong but how can that be? Isn't God and Jesus and the bible all about treating people the way you want to be treated and the fact that all men were created equal? Then...

haha lol i gotta go, dinner, but ill continue, maybe tomorrow... byeeee

Jan. 11th, 2009

just for liz/being veg :P

 Well, my friend liz is reading my lj ight now, so she might be able to read this when i post it. HI liz!
again, nothing has really changed, still have a hole in me. Still really sad, missing everyone. Julien situation getting better I guess, we're talking and it seems fine, but this is all over msn and fb so it might be different face to face. I really hope it isn't. An addition to the sadness though which sux. I'm starting to have nightmares. I don't even know why, btu they're pretty horrible and I can't wake up until the scary part is over, which sux even more, cuz it starts out fine and then turns bad. Last night I was fine, I was with you and we were eating sushi somewhere in Toronto and then you were going to take me somewhere, but you didn't say where. Then all the sudden you were dragging me by the hand threw the streets and it was so crowded and then I lost my grip and you dissapeared and all the sudden it got really bright and I couldn't see anything and I couldn't open my eyes cuz it hurt too much. So I was screaming and yelling your name and people were staring at me then all the sudden it was pitch black and i could open my eyes, but it was too dark too see now so I started calling your name still and i heard your voice and you were yelling my name but then someone elses voice was there and it was taking you away and you were yelling and screaming and telling me to help buti couldn't see and then the lights went on and I culd see you really far away and you were so scared but you were also mad, mad at me cuz I didn't save you. And i felt so bad and I knew I would never see you again and it was all my fault. It was horrible, and so disorienting,I couldn't see at all basically the whole time. Well, thats all basically. I was scared so bad. I hope I don't have another one, that would be bad, I need sleep. Well, I guess I better go. You know what i want...a day where I can come. Uhhhggghhh  this sux.
luv u, Maddy

oh, and im trying to vegetarian, wish me luck!

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